The Cullen Family Musical Revue
by The Grimmy Reaper
Summary: Alice gets bored and decides the family needs to put on a musical revue in order to entertain Bella! Fluffy! Semi song fic!


A/N: God, I don't know what possessed me to post a fanfic about a Cullen musical revue, but something strong must have done it. I guess it's because I have a love of song fics. This is like the ultimate song fic!

Um, okay, so I took a lot of time deciding on the music they would sing, and I'm quite happy with the resulting playlist on my iTunes! Every song they sing is one that I actually listen to. Some of them are a bit shocking. I really do enjoy them all, though. If you don't know one or more of them, find them and listen to them!

I hope you find this funny. Or slightly entertaining. I do… Oh, who cares? I like it!

If this story seems like Emmett and Jasper get special treatment or that they have more songs, then don't fret! It's true! They have more songs… And they are favored over the others. I love them most!

By the way, this is only part one! I will have Act 2 of the show posted once I write it.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns _Twilight_! And various people own the music!

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"Alice, you definitely outdid yourself for this one," Bella said as she looked around the Cullens' living room. All of the normal furniture was absent, save one chair, which was set up in front of a small stage. It was complete with spotlights and curtains. "You really didn't have to go to this much trouble just to entertain me." Alice just smiled.

"Oh, I know. I wanted to!" She trilled a high pitched giggle. "Now, sit down. The show is about to start." Bella did as she was told and sat in the enormous fluffy white armchair set out for her. "Oh, and here's your program!" Bella took the ornate piece of paper from Alice's hand.

"A program?" she asked skeptically. Alice just smiled and skipped off behind the curtain.

Jasper walked by and winked at her. He closed the drapes behind her, shutting out the light from outside. Then, it was pitch black.

Suddenly, a spotlight shone on the stage, showing Alice standing solitary in front of the ominous black curtain with a microphone before her.

"Hello, and welcome to the first annual Cullen Family Musical Revue!" She paused. Bella smiled and clapped with forced enthusiasm. Alice giggled. "Before our show begins, please silence all cell phones. And if your baby should happen to grow fussy during the performance-"

"Alice!" Edward yelled from backstage. Alice rolled her eyes.

She put her hand over the mike. "Edward, I'm trying to be a good emcee! Shut up!" She then looked at Bella. "Enjoy the show, Bella." Alice turned around and spoke to whomever was behind the curtain in a soft voice, too quiet for Bella to hear. Unfortunately, the person she was speaking to didn't get the idea of being quiet.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm ready," Emmett boomed. "Just tell Jazz to have the music ready." Alice sighed heavily. She smiled a forced smile and spoke in her most professional voice.

"Our first act is Emmett Cullen singing…" A pause and a sympathetic smile. "Singing 'Womanizer' by Britney Spears…"

The light went out. Bella could hear the curtain opening in the blackness. Without warning, the stage was brightly lit up, revealing Emmett striking a pose in the middle of the stage. The music started. Emmett began to sing and dance energetically. The fact that Emmett was singing "Womanizer" was funny enough in itself, but his outfit made it almost unbearably hilarious. He had on tight black leather pants and a red fishnet tank top. He had on eyeliner and lip gloss as well. His dance moves were overly sexual and his singing voice was almost verging on Marilyn Monroe's breathy quality but a lot deeper. It was a bit terrifying, but Emmett wasn't half bad. He could have been Britney Spears' choreographer.

With one last pose and the final repeat of the word "womanizer", the lights went out. Bella found herself clapping excitedly. Who would have guessed Emmett was a Britney Spears caliber entertainer?

The spotlight came back on, but this time Emmett was standing behind the microphone. He was grinning goofily.

"Thank you, thank you." He flashed a wink at Bella. "Well, I don't know how _anyone_ could _possibly_ follow _that one_ up, but I guess someone has to try. So, next in our little musical cabaret, we have Alice and Jasper singing 'Lucky' by Jason Mraz and Colbie Calliet."

The lights didn't go out this time. Instead, as Emmet was exiting the stage, Alice and Jasper came in on either side. They were both carrying stools, but Jasper was also carrying a guitar. They sat the stools center stage, side by side, and sat down. Jasper began playing softly and singing. As they sang the duet, Alice stared sweetly at Jasper, and Jasper stole shy glances at Alice. Their voices harmonized perfectly together, Jasper's going higher than Bella would have guessed it could have. When they finished, Jasper leaned over and pressed his lips gently against Alice's as the stage faded to black.

There were still tears in Bella's eyes as the lights came back on and Alice introduced the next performance.

"Okay, here we go with another one. Next is Esme. She's going to sing 'Think of Me' from _The Phantom of the Opera_." The lights went out, and when they came back on, Esme was standing center stage in an elegant light blue ball gown. From backstage, someone (Bella assumed Edward) gently played the piano. Esme's sweet voice trilled out the most stunning version of "Think of Me" that Bella had ever heard. And as she hit the last powerful note, Bella found herself unable to move to clap from astonishment. She just stared wide eyed at Esme, who simply smiled gently at her and left the stage.

Without waiting for an introduction, Emmett entered from one side of the stage and Rosalie from the other. Rosalie was in a black dress and Emmett was in a costume that was vaguely familiar to Bella. They sat on the floor beside one another, and a strong melody began to resonate from the speakers. It was the opening chords of "As Long As Your Mine" from _Wicked_. Rosalie's voice was strong and passionate as she belted out the first notes. Her voice broke once as Emmett stroked her face softly, though. When Emmett's part began, he once again stunned Bella, but this time she was stunned because of the beauty of his voice, not from the tightness his pants. The song ended with a passionate kiss and a black out. Bella clapped furiously.

Alice was once again back at her post as emcee when the lights came back on. "Wow. Okay. Next is Edward. He's singing 'Your Guardian Angel' by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus."

Edward stepped onstage timidly, hands in his pockets. Jasper was right behind him with his acoustic guitar. Edward smiled softly.

"Jasper's playing the music for me." He stood off center on the stage for his entire performance. Jasper stood nearly out of Bella's line of sight, occasionally singing some back up vocals. Edward kept his hands in his pockets the entire time, and his eyes were focused on Bella. He acted timid but sang fervently. And Bella couldn't take her eyes off of him. She had a huge grin on her face when he finished. He just winked and walked off stage.

Without introduction, Alice and Rosalie entered opposite sides of the stage and posed. Rosalie began speaking.

"Dearest, darlingest Momsie and Popsicle," she said in a nasally voice.

"My dear father," Alice said in a bored tone. And then they began singing together. It was "What Is This Feeling?" from _Wicked_. They performed it perfectly, full of loathing and disdain. And when the song came to a close, and Alice scared Rosalie with the final "boo", the lights went to black. When they returned, Alice was back behind the microphone.

"Our next song will be sang by Jasper. He's singing 'Did It Hurt' by NeverShoutNever." As she exited, Jasper entered as he had before, carrying a stool, but this time instead of a guitar he had a ukulele. As he sat, Jasper smiled and waggled his eyebrows. He chuckled before he began strumming out the chords of the soft, acoustic song. As he sang, he kept looking off to the right side of the stage, obviously at Alice, and he had a huge grin on his face the whole time. The lights faded as he finished.

"And now, the final, epic, show stopping finale of our first act," Alice said dramatically when the lights were back on. "Here are Emmett and Edward singing…" A dramatic pause and a dimming of the lights. "'Take Me Or Leave Me' from_ RENT_." The lights went out. When they were switched on once more, there were metal folding tables and chairs set up on the stage. Emmett was standing on a table, while Edward was standing off looking pissed.

"I said once more from the top," Edward said in a quiet rage type of voice.

"I said no!" Emmett boomed, his anger much more obvious.

The two of them played through the comical banter of Maureen and Joanne wonderfully. Emmett captured Maureen's wild spirit, while conversely Edward was the perfect anal retentive Joanne. Emmett was donning his leather pants once more, but instead of a fish net top, he was wearing a t-shirt. Edward was dressed in a simple suit.

When the song ended, Emmett turned to walk offstage, but Edward remained in place. He looked out at Bella.

"Sorry about that. Emmett forced me to sing it," he said apologetically. Emmett turned around with a shocked expression on his face.

"Well, Edward, if you're gonna tell her that I forced you, maybe you should tell her how I did it." Emmett smiled widely, the stage lights glistening off his teeth.

"If you tell her that, I'll tell your secret as well," Edward said smugly. Emmett just bellowed out a loud laugh.

"Oh, God, Wardo! As if my secret is anywhere near as embarrassing as yours?" Emmett managed to say between laughs. "I don't care who knows my secret anymore! Damn, I'll tell her myself!"

Backstage Alice hissed out, "Will you two stop? You are _ruining_ my show!" Emmett continued on as if she hadn't spoken. He turned out to face Bella.

"You see, Bella," he began. "The other day, everyone was out hunting. I thought I was alone in the house, so I went into the kitchen to get a snack. Oh, by the way, that's my secret. I can eat. Anyway, so, I was rummaging through the cabinets when I heard music coming from upstairs. I go upstairs only to find Edward in his room. Now, that doesn't seem too embarrassing, but it wasn't the fact that he was there. It was what he was doing…"

"Emmett…" Edward glared at him, but Emmett ignored him.

"He was singing and dancing to 'Lady Marmalade', the version from _Moulin Rouge_. Not only that, but he was dressed in a full costume, complete with corset." He smiled, remembering the scene. "It was quite an amazing performance. He can really hit those high notes!" Another enormous laugh erupted from him as he took in Bella's expression. Her eyes were wide, her mouth was hanging open, and her eyebrows were furrowed together, one pulled up slightly higher than the other.

Edward growled and jumped on Emmet as the lights went to black.

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Act one is done! Stay tuned for Act two! And more glorious music!

Oh, and the "Lady Marmalade" thing at the end? Yeah. It's kind of ridiculous, but I thought I'd throw something odd at the end. And when I decided that Edward had to be forced into singing "Take Me Or Leave Me", and let's face it he would have been forced, I thought I'd add a reason Emmett could force him. I had an idea for a one-shot of Edward singing that song anyway, and it just seemed to fit in this story better!

By the way, I actually made the program for the show… So, if you want it, I'll send it to you… God, I don't know why you would want it, but I do not judge! That is not my job! That's reserved for God. Or if you are a _Dogma_ fan, it's kinda Bartelby and Loki's job too! Lol.

Review! And read my other stories!

**UPDATE:**

**The idea of Emmett eating and the nickname Wardo are from Growing Up Cullen! Check it out on Livejournal! It's by oxymoronassoc**


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